On Being a Good Wife...
As you all know, I am about to be a wife. I am REALLY excited about it too! My fiance is amazing...I want to be a good wife for him. An article was e-mailed to me on being a good wife. Check out this article from Good Housekeeping, May 13, 1955. (I added the numbers and italics). My favorites are numbers 10, 11, 14, 17, and 18. Oh, how the times have changed...
1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so youÂll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
3. Be gay and interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
5. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.
6. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
7. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the childrenÂs hands and faces (if they are small). Comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
8. Be happy to see him.
9. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
10. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first -- remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
11. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
12. Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
13. Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
14. Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
15. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
16. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
17. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
18. A good wife always knows her place.
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Here's the deal. I don't completely disagree with this article. I agree with a lot of it. However, there are some obviously sexist (and non-Biblical) points. For example, #14: Don't complain if he...stays out all night. Um, excuse me?! If my either myself or my husband stays out all night (without prior explanation), I would hope that either party would have some questions and maybe a few complaints.
I will be a full-time grad. student, working part-time, and doing music part-time. So, I'll be gone just as long (or longer?) than my husband every single day. I might not be home when he gets home. We may order pizza quite a bit. Although this article really has some great points, I would have to be done with school and not working in order to reach these expectations. What is to be expected of a wife/mother who is working, going to school, and busier than her husband?
Don't get me wrong. I believe that biblical submission is necessary (and a joy) in any marriage. But if I have to greet my husband with a low and pleasant voice every day when my eyes will hardly stay open, I will probably not be a good wife.
Some will find this list completely oppressive and offensive. I find some points offensive. I find some points helpful. There are some points that make sense if the husband is doing the same thing. For example: #10: his topics of conversation are more important than yours. If both the husband and the wife feel that the other has more important things to say, it will be a beautiful marriage. If the wife can't say anything, though, because only her husband's thoughts matter, it's a different deal. On the flipside, if the husband can't express his thoughts because the wife feels that only her ideas matter, it's a bad thing.
For the women in my position (school, work, music, etc), I feel that there are other ways in which we can serve and submit to our husbands. I want to submit. I want to serve. But if JD expects me to follow this list 5x a week, I'm in trouble. Does submission mean that if JD gets home two hours earlier than me, he should sit on the couch and watch TV every day until I drag in with books piled in my arms so that I can cook for him? I don't know that submission means that after a 12-hour day I have to tell JD to go to watch "the game" at a bar until I get home so that I can have a meal prepared for him when he walks in.
I know this is getting long, so I'll try to "nutshell" the rest. I will be blessed to cook for my husband every night. I will joyfully have the house cleaned for him and have myself looking the best I can daily. However, with my responsibilities, our lack of income, and my desire to finish school, our lives will not look like the typical 50's household.
All of this is to express my desire to be a good wife and my fear that I won't meet the expectations for my calling.
posted by Nikki Leigh Daniel @ 9/09/2005 10:36:00 AM
17 comments
17 Comments:
That's actually fascinating to me. You ought to read Nancy Pearcey's chapter on "How Feminists Started the Culture War" in Total Truth. The title of the chapter does not do justice to the really really interesting cultural/intellectual history she lays out pertaining to how the relationship between men and women and the general dynamic of work and home has changed since the Industrial Revolution.
Of course the article you copied here is silly. Pearcey shows how that kind of attitude is actually indicative of the fact/value split - what Schaeffer called "two story" thinking. Men were, by necessity, forced out into the world of work, which was perceived as the world of cold, hard facts (scientific), vigorous competition, and "survival of the fittest." Women were taught and inculcated the idea that the home was to be a haven of warmth, of "family values," a place to escape the cold hard reality of the outside world.
Anyway.... read the chapter. It's really interesting.
But that old article is hilarious. Will you email it to me?
Very interesting! Written in the 50's. Things have changed a bit since then. I thought about my Mammy as I read it. She STILL has that same servant heart as Grandaddy battles Emphizema (sp?).
Reading that was very humbling. To think that a person would be willing to serve me like that is amazing. It would make me want to do all I could to make her smile.
Piper offers some great stuff on this, as I am sure you know. Seeking, with all we have, to experience Christ in our joy in the joy of our spouse will best demonstrate the relationship within the Trinity. There must exist, within the sphere of marriage, a hybrid of joy in your spouse's joy.
You are gonna make a great wife, Nikki!
Nikki-
I loved this. There was a time that I would have gotten offended and thought, "How dare anyone tell me to cater to some big dumb man's needs before my own!" But, as I just told the sweet 11-year-old sitting next to me, if you don't want to listen to a stupid man's opinions, don't marry a stupid man! What a blessing and encouragement it is to me that I can see how much you admire and respect JD... even enough to fetch his slippers and his pipe when he comes home! ;)
But really, this article is a good picture of sacrifice, and I know a few wives whose husbands might have a stroke (in a good way) if they did any of those things.
I especially like the idea of freshening up before he comes home. My great-aunt did that every day. She would take a bath and put on my great-uncle's favorite dusting powder and a clean dress and fresh apron, so he always knew when he came home that his wife loved him enough to think of fixing herself up for him.
Oh, and just to clarify, I'm pretty sure JD doesn't smoke a pipe, since he's neither Santa Claus nor Hugh Hefner
Five years ago I was sitting in on my mother's women's Bible Study in Germany. The study was on How to Better Love our Husbands (through the love of Christ). That particular day they were discussing SUBMISSION!!!
Being the very young and very single young woman that I was, I sat back and let the women speak. I was distressed at their struggles. So often they referred to marriages as dull and lifeless, leading to the conclusion from some of the women that if HE isn't willing to contribute anything to the relationship ... why should she ... submit.
After everyone had their say ... one of the missionary wives looked at me. "Christine, do you have anything to share?"
I definitely had an opinion on the matter ... but surely these women wouldn't understand. "No, that's okay."
Another woman piped up, "Well, you're going to a Bible college. Surely you have an opinion."
"I do have an opinion. But because I've never experienced love in the form of a romantic relationship, perhaps my ideas are a bit too idealistic."
The women began to press me, all wanting to hear what I had to say.
I lowered my head, took in a deep breath ... "Okay ... here we go ..."
"I believe that showing respect to the man that God will give me is one of the strongest ways of showing my love to him. The Lord has taught me the past few months that seemingly little acts of service bring an incredible amount of joy when they are done for someone you care for. If at dinner, my husband drops a fork and it falls closer to me and he asks if I wouldn't mind picking it up ... my heart would soar to be able to do even such a minimal task that would somehow make his life better. That's why woman was created ... to help man. If in anyway I can help make his journey through life better, I would feel fulfilled and elated. "
I then looked up at the women sitting around the table. Their mouths were dropped open. After a few seconds when what I said had sunk in ... hillarious laughter began to pour out of their open mouths. They were laughing at me.
"Oh, you're so green, Christine. If you only knew! ha ha ... wait till you're married and have three children!"
My heart was broken for these women. Even though my mother's lesson somewhat verified my yearnings, I couldn't help but sense that these other women had given up. In their minds, their husbands didn't deserve their respect, thus submission.
Christine,
How sad! But it's so true of many marriages these days I'm afraid. Seeking to be fulfilled my marriage and finding that submission is no fun if you are wanting something in return to make you whole....
I pray that when God blesses me with a husband, that love Christ so much that it would pour out into the ay i love and respect my husband. I can't wait to get to serve him!
And yes, I'm sure that marriage is not the carnival of romance and merriment that I imagine. I've never been in a romantic relationship so I can't say that I know what it's like to love a man even when he make me angry or doesn't undersatnd me (or visaversa). But I also am pretty sure that marriage is not quite as boring as some would say. I don't think it's as boring as it seems watching my grandparents....afterall, I only see them for a few days out of the year...who knows what an adventure it is for them when the family is not there. I do rest in knowing that with Christ as the head of the marriage, it will be wonderful!
Wow,
I'm not married, but I can't even begin to tell you how humbled I would be if a woman cared and respected me enough to do those things. I only hope one day I will give someone a reason through my love to do some of those things. I am especially touched by Christine's comment about even a dinner fork. That blows my mind. I cannot even begin to say how overjoyed I am that servant hearts like this are still in existence. I thought they were slowly dying out with my Nanny's generation. Just reading this post and subsequent comments have been greatly encouraging to me. Thanks everybody!
That is hilarious! "try to encourage your kids to be quiet" when their dad gets home. The home is supposed to be a place of peace and tranquility... great things but if you have kinds it's not likely it will be a place of peace and tranquility...wow.
I meant "kids" not "kinds"... :)
found your blog - good work For great information on how to ge a good wife click here
Dear Spammer,
I actually took your advice and visited your site. Thank you so much. You've inspired me. My whole outlook on finding my future mate has changed ... and it's all thanks to you. You obviously have the good of mankind in mind, unlike all the other spammers out there.
Nikki,
You go girl! You keepin' it real, fo' shizzle!
Seriously, I only read about half of this post, because it is kinda long. If were getting married... or considering it... or dating... then I'd probably read the whole thing. But seeing as I'm a bachelor, I figured reading half of it was doing pretty good, right? :)
oh, and I meant to follow that up with saying that I pretty much agreed with your thoughts on the 1950's Manual for Wifedom.
And I didn't even know you were getting married until Tera told me a week or two ago... guess it's a good thing I didn't try and hook you up with my friend Mel Gibson.
Oh yeah, he'd married... I mean, my friend Brad Pitt. Yeah... that guy.
Um, anyway... I'll see ya at da chizurch.
Jason
Nikki...girl..I love this post. Some of it is just odd advice, even for the 1950s..but a large part of it is very much how my house was when I grew up. We have 4 children in our family and my parents raised us well and did most of the things on this list (although she would challenge you on whether her opinion mattered..ha!)
My mother still will say, "I have to go and get your father's dinner before he wakes up from his nap." I remember asking her one time if she felt like she had to do this and she said, "No,I don't have to do this, I do it because I love your father."
Granted, we had issues like every family - for sure - but there was always a peace and tranquility in our home - commented on by so many people who were welcomed in. There just wasn't a lot of disorder and chaos - but a great deal of civility and kindness. This is how I want my family to be (God willing He provides one someday).
A friend of mine was asking what my dream house was like. I said, "I don't really know what my dream house looks like as a building but I do know I want it to be warm, peaceful and a haven for all who enter. I want people to feel comfortable coming in, sitting down, relaxing and going out refreshed."
Regardless of what you do for a living or how busy you are, you can take a few minutes to make your home a refuge for those who enter. Have you ever entered someone's house and you left stressed out - either by the interactions within or the environment? If it does that to outsiders, it probably effects those inside too.
So Nikki...make your house one of prayer that is governed by God. Look for practical ways to express your love to your husband - whether that means ordering a pizza, rubbing his feet or simply telling him you love him. You are going to be a fabulous wife and helpmate because you are seeking first the kingdom and His righteousness..all these things will be added - including a peaceful home and the knowledge you are the wife God called you to be. I'm so thrilled for you.
You're correct Nikki, some of those points were good, other ones may have been at the least, a little extreme and not realistic--to say the least. Anyways, I think that the husband should not be some lazy bum who sits around and waits for his wife to take his shoes off, etc. He should, out of love for his wife, desire to serve her and bear the load with her. He could wash the dishes, spend time with the kids to give his wife a break (children are not always going to be bundles of joy to their parents), vacuum, and even make dinner when his wife cannot (seriously, anyone can follow a recipe if he/she tries).
Is not the husband's example Christ? Did not Christ come to serve, not to be served? It should be the husband's delight to serve his wife (I posted on this some time ago). However, wives should serve their husbands as well, and should delight to do so. And, as was mentioned in a comment, your marriage seems boring, spice it up with something new. Oh, and as for the wife not speaking but letting her husband talk when he gets home...I would personally rather ask my wife how her day went before bombarding her with the craziness of my life. Isn't that part of what it means to put the other first and to lead in doing so?
the Bible's clear, a wife is supposed to live for her husband, and the husband for his wife. that's what a husband in the 50s needed, so it won't work nowadays. but the principle holds true, find out what your husbands wants and needs from you, and try to meet it. he should be doing the same for you, and hopefully, you two will find a satisfying compromise.
Hey Nikki,
I gave ya a shout out in my latest post on my blog, which is about dating :) It's the topic everyone loves to hate talking about! (Well, I used to hate talking about dating...)
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